I have been a practicing clinical psychologist for many years and in that time I have seen clients from many countries and all walks of life. Despite their diverse backgrounds if I were asked what is the one common, elusive aspect of life that all humans, regardless of circumstance long for, I would have to say sustained intimacy.

Most people can create intimacy initially but few are able to create rich intimacy with a spouse, friends, children and colleagues that is lasting. Regardless of wealth and professional success, in the end if intimacy is missing one’s soul is devoid of the richness closeness provides. When this occurs it creates a desperate sense, a growing uneasiness inside that prevents calmness and ongoing joy.

People start to feel more restless and begin to look for ways to ease the emotional pain caused by the ongoing yearning for love. This state of mind can lead to addictions, depression, anxiety and an persistent sense that life has lost its meaning.

I can always discern the quality of a person’s internal life once I understand the degree of intimacy a particular individual has been able to create and foster. Our self-voice is a critical factor in how we relate to others. Negativity inside usually produces negativity outside in one form or another. Internal doubt can drive people to achieve and over achieve, but no matter how competent individuals are in other areas of life if intimacy is lacking, the spirit of the individual will falter and grow weak over time.

The Formula

What are the ways you can begin to foster the kind of closeness you desire and deserve?

First of all remember your self-care is an important factor in your ability to be present. If you’re eating poorly, not exercising, abusing alcohol, and not sleeping adequate hours you are probably not in a position to maintain intimacy. If you’re not feeling alive it is hard to listen to those close to you in a manner that conveys interest, patience and a willingness to go beyond the surface of relating.

You need to establish good self-care habits as this allows you to be in a position to listen and respond on a deeper level that goes beyond the surface to the heart of those you love. Knowing how to listen and express empathy are also critical keys to fostering closeness. Listening from an empathic position requires a willingness to enter the world of the other person, while leaving your own preoccupations, biases, and judgments behind. This ability needs to be practiced and improved regularly. It is an art that makes another person feel heard and deeply understood. It is an ability that allows you to truly understand the heart and soul of the person you love.  It is not enough to understand, you must be willing to put your understanding into action, into words and behaviors. Nothing is more powerful in establishing a close bond as being able to listen and respond in the manner I am describing. I have worked with couples on the brink of divorce, and once they have followed this formula consistently they often create a degree of sustained intimacy they have never experienced in their lives.

In a romantic relationship you also have to develop a mature understanding of sexuality. In my book the Power of Empathy, we stated that:

“ We touch bodies when we have sex, but we can only touch hearts and souls with empathy guiding the way………what we seek in the sexual experience is not simply the release of tension but the momentary merger of two souls that simultaneously confirms and expands the relationship between us. This is ultimate intimacy, the moment when two hearts and two souls join together as one”.

This powerful experience allows us to feel and be more affectionate as we age, regardless of how our appearances and those of others close to us change.  This occurs as empathy leads us from superficial connections to deep, heart-felt relationships that accept the whole person, imperfections and all. As we learn to accept those we love through expanding our empathic range, we also learn to accept ourselves with our limitations and shortcomings. This process benefits both partners, as living realistically rather than idealistically becomes the norm.

Being able to recognize the emotions of those we love, tuning in to their thoughts and feelings, listening carefully to the words spoken as well as to the silences that accompany the words, observing body movements and facial expressions, while calming oneself so that you can express your own feelings with clarity and tact. These truthful, kindhearted interactions are the basic building blocks that create and sustain friendship, intimacy and love.

This is just a brief overview of how to essentially grow love and intimacy. I welcome your questions and comments, which will hopefully contribute to future articles and discussions that will deepen our understanding of the complexities of love.

I hope you liked  my post on sustaining intimacy and love, today. If so, please let me know by selecting the Like icon that immediately follows. You can also Tweet and Google+1 today’s post to let your friends know about it. Best, Dr. Arthur.

Note: You can also find Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli’s articles, books, and workbook programs for managing anxiety, stress, and enhancing performance at www.Soundmindz.org.