Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart ~– John Adams
There are few human experiences in life that cause us to suffer so deeply, like the death of a loved one. It is truly one of life’s hardest losses that we will ever have to face. Nothing ever prepares us for the suffering, the depth of feeling that arises in us and the strength and courage we will need to face up to the loss.
After the shock of losing a loved one has worn off, we are left with a depth of feeling like we have never felt before. So many feelings sitting deep inside of us, weighing us down. We don’t know what to do with all the pain and suffering, the fears and anxieties, and the loneliness and depression.
The grieving process can be a period of confusion and feeling lost to yourself. You may feel disorganized mentally and emotionally, not knowing at times if you are coming or going. To put words to all that you feel can be so difficult. It most likely feels like there are no words to express your suffering. Nonetheless, you do have to find words for your feelings, if you are to heal.
You need to move these painful feelings from deep inside of you upward to the surface where you can begin to release them.
The grief you feel is your own hell. No matter how much love and comfort is around you, only you can do the grieving. I know, I’ve been there. The grieving process is one of the most isolated experiences that you will go through; it is so very personal. The way you express your grief, the depth of your suffering, and the length of time that you need to grieve to heal is unique to your makeup and the circumstance of your loved one’s death. There is no benchmark for healing. You have to find your own way.
Why do the feelings you have over the loss of your loved one disorganize you so much right now? You shared so many experiences, hopes and dreams, and losses with your loved one. You journeyed through life together. Whether the deceased love one is a parent, your child, a sibling or grandparent, a relative, or cherished friend, your identity is tied to this person.No wonder you feel lost, as if you lost a part of yourself. These relationships, by their nature, are central to your existence. The memories that made up a good part of your life, if not all of it thus far, involved this person.
Your feelings about losing them will be deep and confusing. It will take time for you to grieve all that they meant to you. You may feel at times like you’ll never get better, but you will. The pain you feel will not be there forever, although I know it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. You and your life may seem at a standstill. It’s good to keep in mind at this time that the grieving process is much like a still river. On the surface, it looks like nothing is happening, but there are stirrings deep within it–and deep inside of you.
What can you do to heal? The most important task in the grieving process is to express your grief, so you can let go of the painful feelings you have and get on with your life. Remember, feelings that come from loss sit deep inside of you. You have to shake them up and move them up and outward. You need to express them. This movement of self-expression is vital to the healing process. There are four ways to do this. These include:
- Draw out your pain. Show your emotions on paper. You can use crayons, colored markers, or watercolors. You don’t have to be an artist. Just get your pain out and don’t censor what you feel. Draw whatever comes up from deep inside of you.
- Release your grief by venting it. You can vent through words spoken or written. Keep a journal. Each day write down what bothered, energized, or deeply affected you. For some time, things in your day will call up a memory of your loved one. Express the feelings that come with each memory.
- Share your grief with others. You may want to join a grief support group. Sharing your grief with others who are suffering too is a good way to get out your pain.
- Give meaning to your grief. Put symbols to what it means or it feels like to you. Is there a sign or interpretation that you take from the loss? Find ways to understand what the grief means to you and your whole life.
Remember, the feelings that you express tell your story from your perspective, your suffering– what you lost, fear, and need to heal. You won’t see it immediately, but in time, the feelings that you have been expressing begin to organize your inner experience and help you to integrate the loss into your life. Now, you can begin to rebuild your life without your loved one.
Find your own way of expressing your pain. Draw, write, sing, even drum your pain out, but whatever you do, give it meaning. You’ll see, in time, the healing will come.
Blessings to you and your deceased loved one. I’m adding some links to my page for you that I think are good sites on grieving.
If you like my post today, please say so by selecting the Like icon that immediately follows. You can also Tweet or Google+1 today’s post to share with your friends. And, as always, I appreciate your comments, so feel free to leave them here. Warmly, Deborah
Art by Dr. Deana Khoshaba (Deborah’s sister).
