Getting emotionally burned by a past romantic relationship, premature death of a beloved parent or romantic partner, or fear of making romantic, economic, and parental entanglements that may compromise one financially (The Commitment Phobic US Consumer) are some of the reasons people give today to explain why they fear making romantic commitments. Although it is understandable how these experiences might make one hesitate to settle down forever, they do not explain a true commitment phobia.

If you have a history of losing interest in your lovers when the relationships begin to move beyond the casual stage of intimate relating, have negative ideas about relationship commitment that stops you from forming romantic attachments all together or chronically stall or sabotage relationship processes that would deepen commitment, you may be commitment phobic.

Although today’s post focuses on the commitment phobic man, women can be commitment phobic too. In fact, some surveys show that women are less likely than men to commit to long-term relationships, today (Women More Commitment Phobic Than Men).

The Childhood of The Commitment Phobic Person

Men who avoid committed romantic relationships are generally the product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting that tends to result from his parent’s distressed marital relationship, personality conflicts, or stress and environmental pressures (Commitment Phobic Adults Could Have Mom and Dad to Blame; Understanding and Dealing With Commitment Phobia). This may have taken the form of ignoring the child’s needs through neglect of him or requiring the child to satisfy the parent’s needs and desires through narcissistic involvement with him. Whether the parent ignored the child’s needs or imposed his/her needs upon her child, the boy subconsciously interprets his needs as having to take a back seat to the needs of his primary caretaker(s). He learns to push his needs out of his awareness and develops an invulnerable persona of extreme competence, control, and ultra responsible personality that becomes the basis to his self-esteem. This, of course, takes place inside his psyche and does not speak to the quality of the relationships he has with his parents in his adult life.

Avoiding commitment is in harmony with the goals of the identity that he formed way back then. As our romantic relationships progress beyond the causal stage of intimate relating toward commitment, there are exchanges of need, disappointment, demands and requests by lovers that threaten the commitment phobic man’s ideas around self-control and invulnerability. These exchanges challenge his desire for perfection. His lover’s disapproval of him subconsciously suggests to him that he is not good enough, falling down on the job, which is not in harmony with his sense of self and esteem.

But, perhaps, even more, his mate’s criticisms around her unmet needs stimulate needs of his own and also stirs up negative feelings and anger of having to dance to the tune of a demanding partner who emotionally feels to him like the parent who tried to control him with his or her needs. Just when it would be developmentally useful for him to stay in the relationship, face his fears, and find another way to contend with other people’s needs, he finds way to jump ship, physically or emotionally. He begins to find flaws in his lovers, gives reasons why they are a poor match, acts narcissistically indifferent to her requests, can become mean and demeaning, or engages in destructive relationship behaviors (infidelity, alcohol or drug use) as a way to distance himself from her. These distancing behaviors are also his intrapsychic attempt to emotionally separate from the parent whose narcissism threatened his autonomy as a child and right to self-determine his existence.

Tips for The Commitment Phobic Guy

You may decide that you do not want a long-term romantic commitment. Of course, this is up to you. But, if you are tired of running away from romantic commitment, then you have to squarely face your fears and work through them. Let the steps that follow help you to begin the process.

1. Admit that your fears of commitment have resulted in the ending of more than one relationship of yours. People begin each Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting by declaring that they are alcoholics. By keeping their alcoholism in sight by their acknowledgement, it never leaves their mind, which helps them to engage in behaviors that keep them sober. You must do the same. Keep your commitment phobia in mind and you will be aware of behaviors that destroy relationship connection.
2. Think through the early relationship to your parents. How did they shape your ideas around romantic relating? Did one or both parents ignore your needs or try to impose their needs and desires upon you? Is your fear around commitment an intrapsychic response to separating yourself from a parent of your childhood?
3. Evaluate your complaints about your current lover. Do your complaints center on need and control? Are you acting out the parent who either neglected your needs, imposed his/her needs upon you, or both? Remember, you tend to choose more narcissistic mates whose needs and desires either eclipse your needs or ignore them altogether. It is not that your perceptions around your frustrations are wrong, it is more the intensity of your reaction that discloses your fears and works to undermine a relationship that may actually be good for you.
4. Face up to your own neediness, so you can own rather than project onto your lovers negatives ideas around having needs. All of us have needs that come up in romantic relating. If you really want a long-term love relationship, you have to get comfortable with feeling vulnerable. This is what is required to successfully merge your life with another person.
5. Become present to the ways that you distance yourself in relationship. You may become overly critical, make mountains out of your mate’s flaws, or act narcissistically indifferent toward your partner’s needs and desires. Or, you may lose yourself in work, infidelity, or drug or alcohol use to distance yourself from your lover. Being mindful of these distancing behaviors give you a chance to choose another way to deal with your fears.

Remember, after the honeymoon phase of intimate relating, Love is a Decision that we make to act in ways that deepen our commitment and love to our lovers.

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