Have you ever compulsively called, texted, emailed, or followed an ex-lover’s activities on Facebook, after an emotionally distressing breakup? You knew better, but could not help yourself. You just had to do something to get rid of the upset, anxiety, and anger that you felt. You couldn’t control yourself. The urge to reconnect to your ex over-powered you. But, now that the storm’s settled, and you’ve gotten ahold of yourself, you can’t figure out what motivated your obsessive behavior.

Obsessive relationship behavior is more common than you may think, especially with the many ways to keep tabs on people, today. What can you do to stop from contacting an ex-lover who has moved on? Some people recommend putting your impulses on a diet (Heidi Halvorson, Curb Obsessive Relationship Behavior, Huffington Post). That’s right—hide the chocolate cake, get rid of the alcohol, or block every way of contacting your ex. This out of sight, out of mind approach to treating addictive behavior may work in the short run, for some people. But, some studies have found that blocking and unfriending ex-lovers only stimulate the desire to know what is happening with them (Facebook Stalking Your Ex). It is like going on a restriction diet. Suddenly, you want to eat everything that is off the diet. But, staying Facebook friends with your ex isn’t the answer either. It may satiate the desire to find out what’s happening with him or her but does little to help you to heal and move forward (Seriously, Stop Stalking Your Ex on Facebook).

Strengthen Willpower

You can’t go through life restricting people and things that upset you. You have to strengthen willpower so you can resist impulses without shrinking your world. I feel some of you cringing right now. But, hold on; I’m not talking about willpower as a sign of character or moral strength. It has more to do with an inability to exercise power over impulses, because of a vulnerability to stress. People who act out obsessive relationship behaviors tend to have high levels of anxiety that makes it harder to cope with stressful changes.

In general, stress causes biochemical changes that lower the ability to cope with difficult situations. The brain releases stress hormones into the bloodstream to help us to fight or flee the threat. Our blood pressure rises, the heart pounds, palms sweat, and muscles strengthen. But, even more central to willpower and self-control is that the higher and lower areas of the brain stop talking to each other. Stress acts like the flipping of a switch. It selectively inhibits the brain’s circuitry for self-awareness and self-control (the frontal lobes in the forehead region of the brain) and, in its place, activates the circuitry of habit and impulse (the stem of the brain)” (The Science of Willpower).

So you don’t lose self-control when you are anxious, you have to learn how to cope with stress. The more you exercise will over impulse, the nerve pathways in the executive area of the brain that is associated with willpower (the brain’s frontal lobes) begin to strengthen. Then, it becomes easier to delay the gratification of destructive impulses, override unwanted thoughts, feelings, and desires, and willfully regulate behavior through strong-minded, sensible action. The next time you are faced with powerful impulses that go against what is psychologically healthy for you, the more likely the brain will override destructive desires through self-control.

Let’s Flip the Switch Back to Self Control

The stress response can challenge the coping resources of the calmest individuals, let alone anxious-prone personalities who are more reactive to stress. But, the good news is we can change our physical response to stress, and we don’t need drugs to do it. Deep breathing and visualization, meditation, yoga, running, and any other activity that relaxes you and brings enjoyment reduces the stress hormones, calms a stress response, and puts you back in charge of yourself.

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