“The real hopeless victims of mental illness are to be found among those who appear to be most normal. Many of them are normal because they are so well adjusted to our mode of existence, because their human voice has been silenced so early in their lives, that they do not even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms as the neurotic does. They are normal not in what may be called the absolute sense of the word; they are normal only in relation to a profoundly abnormal society. Their perfect adjustment to that abnormal society is a measure of their mental sickness. These millions of abnormally normal people, living without fuss in a society to which, if they were fully human beings, they ought not to be adjusted.” ~ Aldous Huxley, A Brave New World , Goodreads.com.
A friend of Psychology in Everyday Life recently posted this quote by Aldous Huxley. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I remember so many people whom I’ve counseled throughout the years, (patients, family and friends) who have suffered more from their loved one’s adjustment to a “normal” existence than their actual mental health condition. Let me share a story with you, to show you what I mean. Many years ago, a teenage boy was admitted to the inpatient adolescent psychiatric center at which I worked. He was admitted for explosive rage and signs of paranoia. In group psychotherapy, one day, the young man shared the event that got his parents to admit him to an inpatient psychiatric hospital. He had gotten into a fistfight with his father, because his father called him gay for wearing a pink shirt. Of course, the young man said, “My father denied that he said that to me.”
Later that evening, I attended group family therapy and got a chance to meet and observe the young man’s parents. As you know, adolescence is a time of trying to find oneself. Questions of identity can lead adolescents to dress in colorful ways. Unisex makeup, dress, and haircuts, safety pins in eyebrows, and a taste for the color black characterized the look of the young patients that evening. The black eyeliner circling their eyes seemed to say, “Heh, you adults, back off; don’t mess with me.” The only thing that let on that these non-conforming Gothic-dressed teenagers were actually harmless was the youthful blush that came to their faces when their moms gave them a hug or said something loving that made them smile. They were someone’s children. I could tell who the parents were of each child by the flow of warmth that connected them to each other, except for the young man whose fistfight with his father led to his hospitalization. Both of his parents were noticeably distant from their son, especially the father. The father looked at the young people in the room, like they had committed some evil crime. He had disdain in his eyes for these young people, but especially, for his son.
I understood so much that evening. I knew that this young man’s father had forfeited authentic self-expression long ago, in his own childhood. Someone in this man’s past stifled his inner voice, and so, now, he would stifle anyone or anything that didn’t consent to his view of the world. He epitomized Huxley’s idea of abnormal normalcy. This man became so well adjusted to what others (parents, teachers, religion, society and culture) had told him to believe, and what was the right way to be, that his inner voice was silenced. Now, he doesn’t even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms mainly because he’s so shut down to his self. Other’s are ill or sick or bad or less than, rather than him. Because, according to him, he is “normal”.
My heart went out to the young man. The next day in psychotherapy, the young man asked me: “How can I get along with my father?” “How can I fit in?“ “I am not like my parents or even my friends.” “I want something different.” “I want to do good in this world.” To which I replied:
“You know, I learned a long time ago that if I would dress like them (symbolically), I could make my way in this world, although I wasn’t like them.” “It’s okay to fit in, as long as you never lose your inner voice.” “You can be for the world, but not of it.”
Although he was only 16-years old, he understood me. I saw it in his eyes. And, the following day, I was told that he repeated what I had shared with him in group psychotherapy. I don’t know what happened to this young man. I know he was being considered for antipsychotic medication to calm his rage outbursts and the possibility of a paranoid schizophrenic disorder. Yes, I know what some of you might be thinking right now. Was he being medicated to silence his inner voice? I don’t know; he might have had an underlying psychotic illness. Nonetheless, although this happened twenty-two years ago, I have never forgotten him, mainly because of how tough it was for him to be raised by people who believe that anything other than what they believe to be true is abnormal.
To Be Fully Human
It’s hard to be fully human in a world that is enslaved to ideas of the larger group. You can opt out of mainstream existence. This is your choice. Or, you can find a way to express your own voice in life while at the same time fitting into the world as it is. Because, there will always be a world normed with ideas and beliefs that organize us into a group of people. It’s the anchor that grounds us, but, can also be the context from which we can evolve into fully human beings, if we choose it to be.
What does it mean to be fully human? I like the great personality theorist and spiritual counselor Carl Roger’s take on the subject matter. In his classic text, On Becoming a Person (1961), Rogers sees being fully human as a process, rather than a state of being or destination; it’s a direction of living that moves you toward the authentic you. But, you have to challenge any ideas and beliefs that shut down this inner process. You have to live life bravely. Specifically, you open yourself to a living process that leads you to new, healthier psychological and spiritual expressions of yourself. To do this, you have to:
- Increasingly open up to experience, especially within you. Become less defensive. Open yourself to things that you do not understand or are unfamiliar to you. See what you think. You have a right to examine experience and to decide what you think for yourself. Acknowledge your fears and wounds and your feelings of awe and joy. By experiencing fully, you have choices. When you have choices, you live freely.
- Live increasingly in the present moment. This is mindful, existential living. When you dare to experience each moment as if it were new, then, you bring nothing to the moment other than your intuitive self. What things mean arise from your inner voice that is separate from those ego-based ideas and reasoning that twist and distort what’s happening into these structures of mind. Many of you are familiar with my post Love is Being Present. I knew my husband was talking about himself, rather than the roses, because I was open to the moment and to my inner voice. If I was controlling the process, then, my set ideas, resentments, and stereotypes would have led me to be defensive and much less sensitive to what he was saying.
- Increasingly learn to trust in yourself. You do know what’s right for you. When you become less defensive and present to the moment, you increasingly see that you can trust in your own self. YOU are the instrument for sensing what you need to live healthily and to evolve your life purpose. You will increasingly get better at sensing the entirety of a situation in need, desire and demand and for determining courses of action that grow you into a fully functioning being.
If you liked my post today, please let me know by selecting the Like icon that immediately follows. You can also Tweet or Google+1 it. Here is to a Brave New You! Warmly Deborah.
