Lately, I’m hearing from more of you who are struggling with a romantic mate who has a fear of emotional intimacy. Indeed, it feels like an epidemic amongst those of you who are single and looking for the love of your life. Tweeting, Facebook, online dating services, and other social media networks may have increased your social community, but not necessarily exposed you to people who are really looking for true intimacy.
You may recall that in my Fear of Intimacy: Are You A Relationship Saboteur post, I talked about the fears of being close that get your lover to sabotage intimacy with you. Understanding your romantic partner’s fears and motivations will help you to cope with his or hers’ come to me, get away from me behaviors. Although this is a good start, you have to learn how to sidestep stimulating their fears that you are going to control, engulf, and deprive them of their freedom. This is the subject of my post today.
Sadly, I have to post a disclaimer early on in my post today, to warn you that proceeding in relationship with a person who has intimacy fears is not going to be an easy journey. But, it’s your choice. Now, that being said, let’s proceed.
Above all else, what you have to remember is that there’s a difference to how you both view love. To you, falling in love, and into a committed intimate relationship, is what life is all about; your reason to be. But, to your partner, intimacy feels threatening. The more you try to convince him of the joy of relating, the more he will retreat from you.
You must first accept that they don’t see love your way. Not because of a difference in attitude or position on the topic, but rather, because every thread of their experience tells them intimacy is unpredictable and unsafe. Their experiences do not support your view of love. If you were up against another lover, truly, it’d be easier, because you’d know with whom you are dealing. But, when people fear intimacy, you are dealing with ghosts from their past.
An important point to remember is those whom are fearful of relationships attract exactly the people they need, but, also, of whom they are most afraid. They attract people who are comfortable with their emotions and want nothing more than connection, and may also be of the needy type.
Be A Safe Person
Like many before you, you may believe that your fearful lover resists being in relationship with you because he or she isn’t attracted enough to you. This isn’t the case. What is really going on here is that your ability to feel and relate threatens them.
You are too much and too capable, emotionally. You want more from them, than they can give.
This is the real problem. In fact, they may end-up partnering with people who are not available emotionally, physically, or intellectually, for some reason, in order to avoid experiencing the anxiety that deep intimacy stirs within them.
The best aphrodisiac for a person who has intimacy fears is safety.
Take for example, one of my patients. He told me that his spouse was upset, because he opened up emotionally to me more than her. This subject was great for opening up his fears of relating intimately to her. And, you better believe, that a small part of him enjoyed her feeling insecure, as it made him feel in control of her. But, what she didn’t understand was that it was easier for him to open up to me, because, I was not his wife; I was a safe person. The features and boundaries of our intimacy were well-defined by the context of the psychotherapy relationship. I knew how to be a safe person for him. I knew how to help him deepen his capacity for intimacy, without activating his greatest fear of being controlled, engulfed, and deprived of his independence.
The steps that follow show you how to become a safe person to a person who has intimacy fears. To help your lover to become more comfortable in relating intimately to you, you have to change your approach. Remember, you have to give a new experience to your lover about intimate relating. Intimate relating does not control, engulf or deprive. Yes, I know you get it. I really understand if you feel like you have to sacrifice too much of yourself to do this. But, if you really love this person and are up for the challenge, this is the approach that is best for you and him.
- Accept his or her makeup as a different one than yours. Know that his or her experience around intimate relating is insecure. He has learned to rely on himself, rather than other people to meet his needs. People who have intimacy fears are more like orangutans; they descend from the treetops to the ground, only to mate. While you, on the other hand, are more like a monkey, feeling most at home living communally. Your lover needs more space than most to feel free. This doesn’t mean that you cannot be in a relationship with him. It is more that you have to understand these differences in your makeup and accept that your lover is unlike you in this regard, rather than wrong or bad. To be a safe partner for your apprehensive lover different, rather than wrong, has to become your relationship motto.
- Stop campaigning for more intimacy. It’s understandable that you want to show him the errors of his way. You want to show him through your warmth and understanding conversation that intimacy is good. But, your zeal is precisely what scares him. You need to relax and stop campaigning. Don’t put words to his weakness; support his strengths. If you really want to have a relationship with this person, you have to learn how to enjoy activities that are safe for him, emotionally. Get creative. Think of non-threatening ways to enjoy togetherness and deepen intimacy without applying pressure. For example, rock concerts, sport events, or dining out with many friends may be more desirable to him than dates that invite one-to-one relating.
- Protect yourself. By this, I mean maintain healthy emotional distance so the pace of the developing attachment between the two of you does not become so out of synch that one or both of you ends up feeling frustrated. And, remember, they are orangutans who come down to mate. In the beginning of the relationship, they may appear as if they have no fear of connecting to you, emotionally. But, as you already know, this is not the case. They run hot, and then cold, according to their sexual desire. Thus, protect yourself. Don’t lose yourself in fantasies of who you want them to be, rather than who they really are.
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Remember, the more you understand about yourself and other people, the more fulfilling will be your everyday experiences and your life. Warmly, Deborah.
