How do you know when you start dating a person if he or she will become an abusive lover? By abuse, I mean any behavior that is intended to tie you so deeply to them that it may seem as if your next breath depends upon their love for you and presence in your life.
If you are feeling or have felt this way in love, you may have been taken hostage by an enemy lover who wants to possess and control you completely. You may not be in a normal relationship that is made up of two self-ruling human beings.
If you, a once self-confident, self-determined person are slowly becoming a needy, depressed, and insecure human being in your romantic relationship–your lover may be an enemy to your psychological well-being and the integrity of your soul.
Enemy lovers want to possess and control you completely. To do this, they wear you down emotionally and physically, weaken your self-confidence, and break down your spirit. They make you believe that you cannot exist without them. They make you insecure either through rejecting behaviors, like not talking to you or disappearing altogether for hours or days or through outright physical aggression. Not all enemy lovers want to actually kill you, like Julia Robert’s husband did in the 1991 movie, Sleeping with the Enemy. They will “kill” you more softly with their words and rejection, as the song aptly says. If you fight back emotionally and show any sign of gaining emotional strength—they come out fighting all the harder, to make sure you don’t do this again.
What it means to be left by you is the key to understanding an enemy lover. To be left by you is a risk of being humiliated and abandoned. This is what they fear the most. Once upon a time, they felt hostage to a parent who undermined their self-determination.
Review the checklist below, to see if your lover may be an enemy to your well-being and spirit.
1. At the start of the relationship, you are loved with such intensity that you feel as if you are Cleopatra and he is your Mark Anthony or vice versa. You are basking in the glow of what seems to be your greatest ally.
2. The enemy lover dominates every waking moment of your life, at the start of a relationship, to the point where you stop seeing family and friends, fulfilling daily responsibilities, and carrying out your normal routine.
3. You begin to play down or soften your points of view, especially if they upset your lover.
4. You get very depressed, unable to function without him or her.
5. You act needy, groveling for his or her attention to the point where you disgust yourself.
Know that many people encounter an enemy lover in their lives. I have treated so many people in the past with this experience that I’ve come to think of it as a rite of love passage. Yes, a rite of passage to learning the difference in healthy versus unhealthy relating. And, I too have had an experience like this when I was in my early twenties. And, let me tell you, he cured me of the pattern forever!
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experience on the topic?
